The Tavern

Whataburger and Culver's are great. McDonalds is awful, but I'm guilty of grabbing it when I'm lazy and in a rush because it's close by.

Crawl Fast Food Opinions: Bring back pizza.

Five Guys is for real.

I am a big fan of the whole "everything takes 1 turn to eat". Are you telling me there are people who dont like that change?

If food has to exist in Crawl, all permafood should be pizza.


Five Guys is pretty good, but they are way more expensive than the nearby Whataburger so I barely go there unless I want to get a big bag of fries as well.

Generous to call Five Guys fast.

my fast food and also restaurant opinion is that they're all fine and I've never eaten somewhere that I actually really disliked

It's fast casual, I guess.

In-N-Out is the only fast food place I've been lately where I was actually surprised at how good it was.

Honestly, where I'm sitting, takeout from better restaurants is only a few dollars more than the average fast food meal, and it's universally healthier and tastier. Or it would be healthier, if I wasn't so into chorizo.

crawl food opinion: it should be removed

Have you ever made a breakfast burrito with chorizo? Good imo.

Outside of California or other fictional locales it's tough to beat Cook-Out.

Is there any other way?

What's rullakebab in American? Never had a bad one.

Edit: I'd wager just roll kebab. Not a chain restaurant thing, I think fast food joints are all the same. They're there to remove the hungry status.

Shake shack exists now, so uhh, that.

I recently discovered that if I make chorizo at home, the smoke from the oil makes me have significant trouble breathing. Therefore, in the future, my chorizo-based foodstuffs will come from people who cook it for me.

Salty McDonald's haters will never acknowledge that the McDouble has the highest protein-to-dollar ratio of any commercial food in the multiverse. Two doubles, 780cal, 46g protein, $2.89, and you're guaranteed to find one even when you're in the deep woods visiting your Trumplandia relatives. And no matter who they pulled off the street and paid minimum wage to make my burger, it will taste good and have exactly the 2.5 pickles you were counting on.

Chorizo is for real.

wendys is good is why you always see old people in there: they know whats up

jack n the box: weirdly good. their tacos should be sh-t, grey meat, shredded lettuce, slice of american cheese, some bizarre goop, all in a slightly soggy weird shell, is really good. WTF

taco bell: sometimes have a good temporary item. combos should not include a basic taco because those are trash

del taco: absolute garbage bottom tier loser food.

if you like subway then dont talk to me, and just go away

which wich: used to be good, new menu crap, new prices way too high

carls jr: sever decline in quality in the last decade. fancy burgs are edible, but too pricy for low quality ingredients

in-n-out: extremely good for the price. people who tell you its the best burger ever have literally never been to a restaurant, though

whattaburger: top tier

panda: just get something a la carte

burger king: wouldn't even think about going there

mcdonald: its consistent and sometimes you can find one thats a good place to "chill"

jimmy johns: decent if you know what to get. extremely fast

five guys: not fast food...only rich ppl think this is fast food and worth comparing to in-n-out etc.

smash burger: not as good as 5 guys and smaller patties

starbucks: not really worth, but ime service is generally good if you don't go to mega crowded one

KFC: not awful but literally obsolete if your grocery store has fried chicken. trust me

tim hortons: pretty much fine for what it is

el pollo loco: only been once but it was actually pretty freaking good

chick-fil-a: food is...decent, but the music is so f**king bad and they say "my pleasure" instead of "you're welcome," which can get on your nerves

let me know if I forgot any, or if you want me to review some other place

Just want to make something clear, I'm not a rich person, I just think five guys is delicious

yeah it's really good no doubt about that

Ate a Whataburger patty melt today after spending 12 hours at my shit job. Why even bother w/ other fast food places tbh

Good Times, Quiznos, Arbys, Sonic

i feel like you should mention denny's, it's not fast food but it's the 3rd or 4th place i'd go if i wanted to hire a hitman

It's also really great if you have a fetish involving being inhabited by intestinal parasites, which I uh heard about through a friend

My mom took my son to Five Guys and they brought home the fries he couldn't eat. They were delicious cold. Delicious. Cold. French fries. yes the burgers are overpriced, but where else can you get a bucket of awesome fries for $3?

When you need someone snuffed out but Waffle House is just too far away?

Yeah those cajun fries are outta control and they always dump like fifty hundred more fries in the bag after they're done filling your cup

I bought a 50 pound bag of oatmeal for $30 and boiling water for some oatmeal is very fast.

+Don't even have to leave the house, fastest food
+Mostly flavorless, a plus for all hardcore DCSS players
-I'm now legally classified as a horse on demographic surveys

I got so wrapped up writing my denny's review that it's going to have to be its own thread. bear with me

fuck mcdonalds and kfc. burger king is awful as well, maybe 10-20% better than mcdonalds, but i won't lie, i practically live next to one and have eaten there while watching their TV channel on select occasions (a lot of bottom tier german pop with awful videos on there, very entertaining).

subway is ok, it's the only place i go to regularly (1x/week on average) so i'm quite bored of it, but it's the best fast food chain we have here. these days i usually get cream cheese, tuna and the oat bread, sauce and salads will differ. subway is close to my lab and usually quite empty so i can hide from my coworkers there

berlin has a lot of Döner/halloumi/falafel shops, which is fast food and nearly universally the same between shops (regarding menu, sauce and salad selection), but generally they don't belong to a larger chain. the meat usually looks revolting, falafel and halloumi are usually ok, the cheese might be rubbery. this is the most popular type of fast food among the people here, i think

Burger King is most certainly not better than McDonald's

Then again I've never eaten either of them in Berlin

Depends on the location, burger kings have more variation in quality than mcdonalds, the best locations are better than the best mcdonalds, the worst ones are significantly worse than the worst mcdonalds.

It has a lot to do with how clean they keep their grill, burgers cooked on a dirty machine taste like old burned grease.

I used to go to this mcdonalds to chill between classes because they had tvs showing the news/to stay out of the weather. Well next thing I know they ripped the TVs out because apparently they made it too appealing for people who wanted to stay there all day.

a few times I saw someone get banned from mcdonalds. that was my favorite thing for two reasons. first of all, how fucked up do you have to be to get banned from mcdonalds! I mean the employees at this one would for the price of a mcchicken and a dollar large drink, let you sit there for hours doing crossword puzzles and skipping class, and you could refill that cocksucker as many times as you want no problem. But this one dude comes in with his dirty ass thermos and fills it up with powerade and the manager comes up with him and says, "you can't do that sir, you're banned for a week." The other fantastic thing about it was how indignant people got. I mean these people would start shouting at the manager, you can't ban me! and this is ridiculous, I didn't even do anything!

This same instance escalated when the guy stealing soda (by the way, people in this town would order a "large coke" no matter what soda they were going to get at the fountain. 'coke' is not a generic term...this is one of the reasons I moved away from that shithole) anyway the guy stealing soda calls the manager a fat fuck, and the manager just looks him in the eye and says "you're banned"

they pulled the tvs off the wall but this was twice as entertaining my god.

I stopped going there soon after that but by the end they had contracted a security guard to just plant himself by the counter and, I shit you not, check out the people who were refilling their sodas to make sure they hadn't just grabbed a cup out of the trash, and also to enforce bannings. This McDonalds had so many auxiliary employees you can't imagine. Not only was there the security guard, who (I'm not making a single bit of this up) stood by the counter wearing sunglasses half the time, hand over hand at his waist like he got the pose watching secret service members in the movies, and he wore FINGERLESS GLOVES!

Man the employees in this place would always grin at me and ask me why I was smiling so big. I just said, "guess I'm just in a good mood today" because what am I going to tell them, "your restaurant is a complete circus, a slice of the most insane American stereotypes made manifest. Your onions come out of a fucking caulking gun and your chicken has bubbles in it and comes in 4 blow-molded shapes, and I'm about to eat this shit. That's the big joke"?

Anyway, aside from this bouncer clown was Armando's son of Armando's Towing who sat in the parking lot from about 8-5 becase the mcdonalds was in such a prime location that they'd constantly be dealing with people parking in the lot just to go to some other place. Every 45 minutes or so Armando Jr. would walk in, maybe get a refill for his large drink, and shout "Silver Chevy? Anyone drive a silver Chevy Malibu?" and the owner better hope he wasn't on the John because Armando was about to tow your car the fuck out of there.

fucking miss that place

Note that in parts of Texas, and large chunks of the south, "coke" is considered the generic term for soda apparently. First time I ever heard it was when I stopped to eat in Arkansas and asked for a Coke and the waitress replied "What kind, hon?" At that point I knew at least one of us was crazy, but I wasn't quite sure who.

unmentioned references:

• White Castle
• Steak n Shake
• Krystal Burger
• Rally's
• Sonic
• The Report of the Week

I expect written reports by next morning.

Steak n Shake is pretty good, but I only go to it on road trips because the other options are usually shittier.

I expected to see also "then they started to keep all doors and windows open to let the weather in" :)

I think I speak for all of us when I say we've been on the edge of our seats for weeks

never been to good times, I'll try to check it out

Quiznos: kind of tastes good but the ingredients aren't excellent quality for the price (havent been in several years)

arbys: what's the point of this place

sonic: always thought sonic was weird. they seem to advertise their fruity drinks more than burgers and stuff—is the food actually good? (I'll try to check them out some time, too)

Dennys thesis: I used to go to denny's a huge amount; one, in particular, was what home base, a rendezvous point, for late-night peregrinators in my home town. We'd rendezvous in the Trader Joe's parking lot before cruising downtown on foot, down and back to the oceanfront, like your prep school's robotics team would enforce its turf. After long evenings reflecting on rising disillusionment, inevitably, every "better" joint would have shut its doors, and we (the ones with the most endurance for fucking around all night) each secretly pleased, would grab a booth in dennys.

the dennys downtown was a marvel. as long as you weren't a drunken military dick, stuffing you and your ungainly date's bellies with greasy garbage after a few hours of hapless standing shoulder-to-shoulder, ass-to-ass, just drinking, what else, in one of the four worst "clubs" on the West Coast, the servers would treat you with immaculate hospitality. We would sit down, grab a coffee apiece, and drain the cup over and over again (they actually honored free refills then) until we were so hopped up and frantic that the only thing keeping you from bursting would be to dash, gulping, into the cool night air.

Friend and I would skip, laughing, down the street, punning, wisecracking, musing about the secret joys to be found in the crushing ennui of half-lonely adolescence. But there was one subject prominent among all that, C——.

the waitstaff at that particular Dennys exemplified a level of amiable professionalism, despite the obnoxious drunks, that made downing twelve coffees more than a pleasure. C—— was something else. I could go on and say C—— was radiant, was beautiful, leggy, sultry-eyed, whatever, but it's not true. C—— appealed to Friend and I on a different sensory channel. It was obvious. You could reason about it intellectually. There was everyone else in the whole city, a bunch of random fuckers, and there was C——, whose minute mannerisms, her wry, sardonic way of smiling without an atom of malice, the way she tied her long hair, her expressive eyebrows, highlighted her like a Kirlian aura to the two of us.

Literal tunnel vision when she walked back with a fresh pot. If you've experienced it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, I can't describe it.

The first night we met her, we wandered outside as usual joking about whatever, exuberance ever so slightly dimmed, something on the mind.

"Hey, what did you think about um our server"

"yeah. yeah I noticed man"

like matching a psychic md5 hash, our feelings towards C—— were revealed, unequivocal and mutual. We skipped down to the shorefront fantasizing out loud. None of that gross shit. C—— was angelic.

***

I've gone back a few times. A tourist's decade aged the town. Music shop shut down, used book place with the mean guy is something wack now. It feels like no one fucking lives there, you know? Evict the weirdos and slap in chipotle but for poke bowls. I mean it's fine but everything is fine. My hometown is perpetually under construction demolishing everything familiar to be replaced by something Fine.

I hope the tourists are happy, and the drunk millitary shitheads, too, who've finally beaten Denny's. C—— was the spirit of the place. They refill your coffee twice. She's gone now. Waiters don't say ten words to you. I never told her my name. The food is somehow oily yet dry. I don't really like Denny's anymore.

thanks for reading.

no

Of all the fast food places I've eaten, Sonic is the only one that actually surprised me with its shittiness.

Culvers is pretty great but I'm in Wisconsin so of course I would say that. Frozen custard makes ice cream seem stupid.

Gotta say you didn't disappoint