The Tavern

You wake up in a room. There is a door out on the north wall. In the southeast corner is a safe. In front of the safe there is a small hole in the floor.
a) Go through door
b) Examine safe
c) Examine hole
d) Pee in hole

We're gonna have to go with option d here. Whip it out.

You pee in the hole. Nothing appears to happen.
a) Go through door
b) Examine safe
c) Examine hole

Go through safe

You bump your head into the safe. It hurts, but the safe doesn't care.
a) Go through door
b) Examine safe
c) Examine hole

Examine hole

It's a small round hole in the floor, just big enough for a baseball to fit through. It's too dark to see inside the hole. It also smells like pee.
a) Go through door
b) Examine safe
c) Look behind safe
d) Look under safe

Go through door

You are eaten by a grue.

You have found a Exit through the Anus. Keep being digested? Y/N

You try to open the door, but it's locked.
a) Examine safe
b) Look behind safe
c) Look under safe

c

You try to move the safe so you can look under it, but it doesn't budge. It must be bolted to the floor or something. But you do notice that it has a combination lock on the front. The lock has four digits and a button labeled "ENTER".
a) Enter the combination "1234"
b) Enter the combination "4321"
c) Enter the combination "8008"
d) Look behind safe

c) Enter the combination "8008"

You stand in front of the safe and enter the combination "8008". Heh heh. You press the "ENTER" button. A pee-soaked racquetball shoots out of the hole in the floor and hits you in the genitals.
You also notice that the safe was already unlocked, so you open it. You take the key and glass of water inside.

a) Look behind safe
b) Use key on door
c) Drink glass of water
d) Take racquetball

I push 5 and wait for my HP and MP to regen before I do anything else.

i remove food

You don't know how to push 5, so you drink the water instead. 5 PP restored.

a) Look behind safe
b) Use key on door
c) Take racquetball

a )

You look behind the safe. You find a wall.

a) Use key on door
b) Take racquetball

b) take racquetball

You take the racquetball. It's still dripping with pee.

a) Use key on door

You use the key to unlock the door. You open the door and walk into another room. Along the west wall is a couch. On the north wall is another door, but it is blocked by Ijyb. Ijyb charges towards you!

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use key
e) Use empty glass
f) Use racquetball
g) Search couch

I'm assuming "f) use racquetball" means throwing, so I'll go with f)

You try to serve the racquetball, but you don't have a racquet, so you just throw it at Ijyb instead. Pee droplets fly off in every direction as it spins. Ijyb easily dodges the ball, but he's so grossed out that he decides to die anyway. The ball bounces off the wall and returns to your hand.
DEFEATED IJYB
LEVEL UP
HP UP
PP UP

a) Go through door
b) Search couch
c) Search Ijyb's corpse

search ijyb

You search Ijyb's corpse. You find his pants. You take them.

a) Go through door
b) Search couch
c) Use Ijyb's pants

I'd rather have blorc the orc's suspenders.

b) search couch

You search the couch. You try to move it, but it's bolted to the floor. You try to take the cushions, but the cushions are also bolted to the couch. You do, however, find a bottle of Thunderdog wine under the couch. You take it.

a) Go through door
b) Use Ijyb's pants
c) Use bottle of Thunderdog
d) Combine bottle of Thunderdog with empty glass

a).

You go through the door and enter the next room. This room has a couch along the east wall, but the couch is upside-down and the cushions have been removed. "WELCOME TO GNOME SHOP, TRAVELER!!!" screams the gnome standing behind the couch. There are doors on the west and north walls. There is a treasure chest in the southwest corner with a highly visible keyhole on the front. The gnome begins screaming about the wares he has for sale.

a) Go through west door
b) Go through north door
c) Use key on treasure chest
d) Buy MAP (5 GP)
e) Buy FLASK OF GNOME JUICE (5 GP)
f) Buy FALCHION (10 GP)
g) Sell key for 1 GP
h) Sell pee racquetball for 1 GP
i) Sell Ijyb's pants for 1 GP
j) Sell bottle of Thunderdog for 1 GP
k) Use Ijyb's pants
l) Use bottle of Thunderdog
m) Combine bottle of Thunderdog with empty glass

l).

You chug the bottle of Thunderdog. The taste is so transcendently bad that you remain perfectly sober. You do, however, regain 10 PP. "WELCOME TO GNOME SHOP, TRAVELER!!!" screams the gnome standing behind the couch.

a) Go through west door
b) Go through north door
c) Use key on treasure chest
d) Buy MAP (5 GP)
e) Buy FLASK OF GNOME JUICE (5 GP)
f) Buy FALCHION (10 GP)
g) Sell key for 1 GP
h) Sell pee racquetball for 1 GP
i) Sell Ijyb's pants for 1 GP
j) Sell empty Thunderdog bottle for 1 GP
k) Use Ijyb's pants
l) Combine empty Thunderdog bottle with empty glass
m) Use empty glass
n) Use empty Thunderdog bottle
o) Pee on treasure chest
p) Pee on couch
q) Pee on gnome

Option L.

You smash the empty glass on the ground, then you carefully pick up the shards one by one and drop them inside the Thunderdog bottle. You begin peeing your pants. "WELCOME TO GNOME SHOP, TRAVELER!!!" screams the gnome standing behind the couch.

a) Go through west door
b) Go through north door
c) Use key on treasure chest
d) Buy MAP (5 GP)
e) Buy FLASK OF GNOME JUICE (5 GP)
f) Buy FALCHION (10 GP)
g) Sell key for 1 GP
h) Sell pee racquetball for 1 GP
i) Sell Ijyb's pants for 1 GP
j) Sell Thunderdog bottle filled with glass shards for 1 GP
k) Use Ijyb's pants
l) Use empty glass
m) Use Thunderdog bottle filled with glass shards
n) Pee on treasure chest
o) Pee on couch
p) Pee on gnome

a) Go through west door

You go through the west door. This room has another door on the west wall. There is a window the centre of the north wall. The west door is blocked by Robin and 12 other goblins. Robin charges towards you! The 12 other goblins also charge towards you! You continue peeing your pants.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use key
e) Use pee racquetball
f) Use Ijyb's pants
g) Use Thunderdog bottle filled with glass shards
h) Look through window
i) Break window
j) Pee on window

TIP OF THE DAY: Be careful when using PP recovery items. You can recover PP above your maximum, but you'll lose 3 PP per turn until you no longer have excess PP. This makes you less effective in combat. It's also really gross.

h) Look through window

You look through the window. You see a furnished bedroom on the other side. Duvessa is sleeping on the bed. Robin and the goblins see you looking through the window, so they all start looking through the window too. You continue peeing your pants.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use key
e) Use pee racquetball
f) Use Ijyb's pants
g) Use Thunderdog bottle filled with glass shards
h) Break window
i) Pee on window

option f

You put Ijyb's pants on your head. Robin decides you're a total creep since you've been watching Duvessa sleep for two consecutive turns, so she punches you. The other 12 goblins punch you, too. You finish peeing your pants.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use key
e) Use pee racquetball
f) Use Ijyb's pants
g) Use Thunderdog bottle filled with glass shards
h) Break window

H

You headbutt the window, but it doesn't budge. Despite the commotion, Duvessa is still asleep. It must be an unnaturally hard window. Robin punches you again. The other 12 goblins punch you again, too.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use key
e) Use pee racquetball
f) Use Ijyb's pants
g) Use Thunderdog bottle filled with glass shards

g)
.

You smash the Thunderdog bottle over Robin's head. It shatters and lacerates her face. The glass shards inside lacerate her face, too. The other 12 goblins lacerate their own faces out of sympathy.
DEFEATED ROBIN
DEFEATED 12 OTHER GOBLINS
LEVEL UP
HP UP
PP UP
LEARNED NEW SKILL: ACID SPIT

a) Go through west door
b) Go through east door
c) Take Robin's shimmering helmet
d) Wear Robin's shimmering helmet

Oh you know we are all about shimmering helmets.

d) Whip it out and wear the helmet.

Spit on Robin's shimmering helmet

You take Ijyb's pants off your head. You spit-shine Robin's shimmering helmet a little bit before putting it on.

a) Go through west door
b) Go through east door

Dissect Robin's corpse.

a+b = c. Open east door, then run over and go thru west door.

You forgot to close the east door, so you close it, then you open it again. "WELCOME TO GNOME SHOP, TRAVELER!!!" You open the west door and enter the next room. This room has a door to the south. In the centre of the room is a poorly organized pile of firewood. There is a rusty wheelbarrow north of it. There is also a pile of dirt in the northwest corner.

a) Go through south door
b) Go through east door
c) Go to GNOME SHOP room
d) Use pee racquetball
e) Search pile of dirt
f) Jump wheelbarrow over firewood