9 worst sword mistakes

[duvessa]

a lot of people have asked me "duvessa, how are you so good at swords?" well, i've killed over 15,000 adventurers using swords, and that number grows every day. so i know a lot about swords. and now i'm giving you this list of the top 9 worst common sword mistakes, so that YOU can be good at swords, too.

#9. making your sword a rectangle

one of the advantages of a sword is that you can thrust it into weak points in your enemy's armour. but if your sword is a rectangle then thrusting wont do damage to anything except undercooked brownies. remember to put always a point on your sword

#8. curving your sword 90 degrees for no reason


i get it, you think curving your sword makes it look cool and exotic, because you consider entire continents "exotic". and sure, a slight curve makes the sword easier to draw. but if your sword looks like it's supposed to cut grain instead of people, you went wayyy too far.

#7. putting random shit on your guard


the point of the guard is to protect your hand, not lacerate it. why would you put all those sharp edges on the INSIDE? and why would you want to add a bunch of useless weight to the hilt? stop doing this

#6. throwing your sword at your opponent

this one is just simple math. if you throw your sword at your opponent then they have 1 more sword and you have 1 less sword. this is good if you are a socialist and your opponent doesnt have enough swords to enjoy a good standard of living, but otherwise no.

#5. trying to use two swords at once


HOW DO YOU NOT REALIZE HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU LOOK
IF YOU WANT TO BLOCK OR PARRY ATTACKS WITH YOUR OFF HAND, JUST USE A FUCKING SHIELD OR DAGGER, THAT IS THEIR WHOLE PURPOSE, JESUS CHRIST
FUCK

#4. letting your child or waifu hold a sword without the proper training:

cute picture, right? well it wont be so cute when hatsune sneezes and accidentally cuts this guy's arm off. you should never give a sword to someone who is bad at swords, unless you want them to accidentally cut your arm off. or if you plan to laugh at them on the internet later

#3. putting spikes on your sword:

the side of your sword isnt for stabbing people. only the tip is maybe for stabbing people. if you ever feel a need to have something like maximilian ii's sword (pictured above), just buy a taxidermied sawfish instead. it's cheaper and has identical combat effectiveness

#2. making your sword out of uranium:

now this might look like an ordinary claymore but according to a website, the claymore in this picture weighs 10 kilograms. the only way this is possible is if it is made out of uranium. you shouldn't make swords out of uranium. it's really difficult and expensive, and uranium doesn't hold an edge very well either. and even if you solve those problems, you'd still have a sword that's 3 times too heavy to actually use in combat. besides, you're better off without a second anus, trust me

and the #1 worst sword mistake is...

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...literally everything about "the Corpse Slicer":

[Croases]

Maximilian II's sword is, in fact, a taxidermied sawfish.

[1010011010]

A 52kg uranium 235 sword is plenty effective.

[dynast]

2# is from Rage of Mages.

[greedo]

Triple sword didn't make the list? xD

Also, uranium? Sure that's bad. Plutonium on the other hand...

[scorpionwarrior]

lmao

[Aethrus]

Now I want daggers to be off-hand weapons for parrying attacks. Look what you've done Duvessa. Look.

[WingedEspeon]

So trying to use three swords at once didn't make the list?

[RBrandon]

humour, accurate information and useful infographics

please move this out of cyc it is better than most threads out there

[Rast]

Does the Corpse Slicer fold down on your own hands?

[prozacelf]

Does the Corpse Slicer fold down on your own hands?

I can only hope so!

[WingedEspeon]

A 52kg uranium 235 sword is plenty effective.

No, it isn't because you would never be able to swing it fast enough to actually hit someone.

[Sar]

The joke is that 52 kg is the critical mass for U-235.

[BugHunter]

Depends on how it's shaped. 15kg is enough in a sphere with a neutron reflector. 52kg in a bare sphere is critical for U-235, but in the shape of a sword, it would certainly be subcritical.

[Sar]

9 worst nuke mistakes

[tasonir]

True confession: I have made sword mistake #9, the rectangle sword. I am sorry. As a kid I took an old shower curtain rod, which was made of metal and hollow, and hammered it out flat to make a cheap machete (I left one end round to be the handle). Worked pretty well for cutting down plants and stuff around the neighborhood. Because I was clearly a ninja. I was unable to stab my enemies, but there usually isn't enough meaty surfaces on a plant you'd want to stab, they're more of a slicing vulnerable target.

[Sprucery]

True confession: I have made sword mistake #9, the rectangle sword. I am sorry. As a kid I took an old shower curtain rod, which was made of metal and hollow, and hammered it out flat to make a cheap machete (I left one end round to be the handle). Worked pretty well for cutting down plants and stuff around the neighborhood. Because I was clearly a ninja. I was unable to stab my enemies, but there usually isn't enough meaty surfaces on a plant you'd want to stab, they're more of a slicing vulnerable target.

Did you test it on a chicken?

[BugHunter]

And #8 is just plain wrong. There is a very good reason for a curved sword. Try this some time: Take a razor blade and just press it against the skin of your arm. It takes a lot of force to get it to cut in very far, doesn't it? Now try again, but move the blade sideways. Slices right in, right? When you cut a steak, do you just push the steak knife down, or do you slide it sideways? Moving a blade sideways while cutting is much, much more effective. It effectively makes the blade much sharper.

But with a straight sword, you have to pull it towards you while swinging to get that effect, and it's a lot harder to do that than just swinging it like a baseball bat. Now take a curved sword, like the top picture in #8. When you swing it, the part beyond the curve naturally slides along and slices into whatever it hits. Well, as long as what it hits is sliceable, like bare flesh or leather. It's not so effective against mail or plate. With an upward swing it could possibly get up under the scales of scale mail and slice through the leather underneath. But it's made for dealing with light or no armour, and it does that better than a straight blade.

So a straight sword works best for chopping at metal armour, and a curved sword works best for slicing through soft stuff like leather or flesh. Which is why europeans used straight swords, since they were often fighting people in armour, but people in the middle east, where heavy armour wasn't as common, used curved swords.

And that second blade pictured for #8 would be wicked when swung at arm's length against someone with no armour. slicy slicy. It's the sort of thing a guard would carry, expecting to run into a burglar or someone trying to sneak into a harem. The sort of target who wouldn't be likely to be wearing any armour. It's a decent blade for someone with minimal training who is unlikely to ever need to cut through anything tougher than skin, like a security guard. He doesn't need to be able to thrust or parry, just swing it back and forth and turn someone into little ribbons of flash. Or more likely just scare them away. It's not really a combat weapon. Kind of the .38 special of swords.

[duvessa]

Oh, there are certainly good reasons for curving swords; I actually noted that. But that shamshir-dagger thing is literally curved 90 degrees, at that point it's more of a sickle than a sword (it was purely a ceremonial item, btw).

[tasonir]

I never tested my shower-curtain-rod-sword on a chicken, sadly. Thankfully we have sledgehammers for that.

I recall hearing about some far off isolated place that had evolved a strange form of combat where nearly everyone had huge shields, and so they used really curved swords to go up and over the shield and then back down into the guy's head. But I'd be fine if you wanted to call that a sickle more than a sword, and I can't seem to find anything talking about it. "Hook sword" isn't the most specific search term

[duvessa]

Well, there was the khopesh, which was so much like a sickle that I've actually heard it called "sickle sword", and there were a few huge shields in use at the same time. I don't know if ancient Egypt qualifies as "a far off isolated place" to you, or if khopeshes were ever actually used in that particular way (imagining the scenario in my head, I don't think it would be very practical to do what you describe).

[1010011010]

they used really curved swords to go up and over the shield

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shotel

These went past shields but not to the head but rather torso for easy reach vial organs.

[Baldu3]

...Try this some time: Take a razor blade and just press it against the skin of your arm...

Move to advice forum?

[The Ferret]

The ancient Dacian falx has a nearly 90 degree curve in it, and it was fearsome enough that it motivated the Roman armies in the area to adopt new armor to guard against its deadly effects.

You could probably argue that a falx is not really a sword, though.