The Tavern

E).

You search the pile of dirt. You find a raw egg.

a) Go through south door
b) Go through east door
c) Go to GNOME SHOP room
d) Use pee racquetball
e) Use egg
f) Jump wheelbarrow over firewood

e )

You eat the raw egg. It doesn't taste very good.

a) Go through south door
b) Go through east door
c) Go to GNOME SHOP room
d) Use pee racquetball
e) Jump wheelbarrow over firewood

E.

You take the wheelbarrow, get a running start, and bounce it off a log and over the pile of firewood. You hold onto the wheelbarrow as it smashes through the south door and careens into the next room. You let go of the wheelbarrow as it falls through a shaft. The shaft crumbles and collapses. This room has a door on the south wall. It also had a shaft in it until a few seconds ago. There is a microwave oven mounted on the east wall. The clock on the microwave oven is flashing "00:00".

a) Go through north doorway
b) Go through south door
c) Turn on microwave
d) Microwave key
e) Microwave pee racquetball
f) Microwave Ijyb's pants
g) Microwave the cursed -7 helmet of Okawaru's Regard {Stlth-}

OH G! G!

As you put your head in the microwave, you notice a bar of soap inside. You use it as a pillow. Once you get comfortable, you put your hand over the latch thingy to make the microwave think the door is closed. Then you turn it on. Your head starts to feel a little warm. Then the soap starts to melt, and smells like the absolute worst thing you've ever smelled in your life. The smell is so overpowering that you reflexively run out of the room to the south. You find yourself in a room with a door to the east. There's a couch along the south wall. Terence is lying on the couch in his underwear eating a bag of tortilla chips and reading a magazine. When he sees you, he jumps a little bit, drops the magazine, and grabs a wand of enslavement from between the couch cushions. Terence attacks!

a) Go through north door
b) Go through east door
c) Attack
d) Parry
e) Feint
f) Use key
g) Use pee racquetball
h) Use Ijyb's pants
i) Use the cursed -7 helmet of Okawaru's Regard {Stlth-}
j) Take bag of potato chips
k) Take magazine

g )

You throw the pee racquetball at Terence. The pee on it has all dried up, so it's really more of a pee-scented racquetball now. Anyway, the racquetball bounces off his head and returns to your hand. Terence tries to zap you with the wand of enslavement, but he's dizzy from being hit in the head with a pee-scented racquetball, so he accidentally zaps himself instead. Terence enslaves himself and his brain enters an infinite loop.
DEFEATED TERENCE
LEVEL UP
HP UP
PP UP

a) Go through north door
b) Go through east door
c) Use key
d) Use pee-scented racquetball
e) Use Ijyb's pants
f) Take all of Terence's stuff

f) Take all of Terence's stuff

You take the bag of corn chips.
You take the magazine. It's an old issue of "Hot Fairies". You flip through the pages. Despite the name, it appears to include a number of nymphs, slyphs, and dryads as well.
You take the wand of enslavement.
You take Terence's pants.
You try to take the couch, but it's duct taped to the floor. The cushions are all duct taped to the couch.

a) Go through north door
b) Go through east door
c) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
d) Use bag of bagel chips

c).

You flip through the July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies" again. On closer inspection, this appears to be a bootleg copy: page 10 is missing. That page is where they always put the scratch-and-sniff picture.

a) Go through north door
b) Go through east door
c) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
d) Use bag of pastrami chips

d).

The bag of spaghetti chips hasn't stabilized yet. It's too dangerous to use it right now.

a) Go through north door
b) Go through east door
c) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
d) Use bag of haggis chips

A, then microwave the unstable chips

You go through the north door. The melted soap smell is still too overpowering to stay in this room, so you run through the doorway back to the room with the firewood. The dirt pile has been spread all over the room. An extremely frustrated fox is sitting in the corner holding its nose with one of its dirt-covered paws. You ask the fox if it will microwave the bag of matzah chips for you, but it refuses and runs through the east door. The bag of chips finally stabilizes.

a) Go through south doorway
b) Go through east door
c) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
d) Use bag of prune chips

c).

You start using the July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies". From the east, you hear the sound of a gnome screaming "WELCOME TO GNOME SHOP, TRAVELER!!!" while being mauled by a fox. You finish using the July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies".

a) Go through south doorway
b) Go through east door
c) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
d) Use bag of prune chips

a).

You go back into the microwave room. It still smells too bad to stay there, so you continue to the room with Terence's corpse. This reminds you to add him to your list of defeated enemies.

a) Go through north door
b) Go through east door
c) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
d) Use bag of prune chips

East door

You go through the east door. This room is completely featureless except for the door you came through, another door in the north wall, and Sigmund. Sigmund raises his scythe!
BOSS BATTLE

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Flirt
e) Use Acid Spit
f) Use key
g) Use pee-scented racquetball
h) Use Ijyb's pants
i) Use the cursed -7 helmet of Okawaru's Regard {Stlth-}
j) Use Terence's pants
k) Use wand of enslavement (17)
l) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
m) Use bag of prune chips

I'm really torn between e) and l)

You give Sigmund the July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies". He immediately opens it to the middle. "Hey, where's the scratch'n'sniff page? That's my favourite part!" he says. Instead of answering him, you spit acid in his face. He screams in agony and swings his scythe into your butt. (-4 HP)

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Flirt
e) Use Acid Spit
f) Use key
g) Use pee-scented racquetball
h) Use Ijyb's pants
i) Use the cursed -7 helmet of Okawaru's Regard {Stlth-}
j) Use Terence's pants
k) Use wand of enslavement (17)
l) Use bag of prune chips

d!.

You tell Sigmund you love the way he handles his scythe. He doesn't respond. This might have worked better if you hadn't spit acid in his face first. Sigmund swings his scythe into your spleen. (-4 HP)

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Flirt
e) Use Acid Spit
f) Use key
g) Use pee-scented racquetball
h) Use Ijyb's pants
i) Use the cursed -7 helmet of Okawaru's Regard {Stlth-}
j) Use Terence's pants
k) Use wand of enslavement (17)
l) Use bag of prune chips

H.)

You put Ijyb's pants over Sigmund's head. Sigmund is blinded. He swings his scythe and hits the floor.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Flirt
e) Use Acid Spit
f) Use key
g) Use pee-scented racquetball
h) Use the cursed -7 helmet of Okawaru's Regard {Stlth-}
i) Use Terence's pants
j) Use wand of enslavement (17)
k) Use bag of prune chips

Pants are so suboptimal in this kind of situation, man we are gonna die...

EDIT: I stand corrected. I) use more pants

You can't wear Terence's pants while the cursed -7 helmet of Okawaru's Regard is stuck to you. Sigmund swings his scythe and hits the ceiling.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Flirt
e) Use Acid Spit
f) Use key
g) Use pee-scented racquetball
h) Use the cursed -7 helmet of Okawaru's Regard {Stlth-}
i) Use Terence's pants
j) Use wand of enslavement (17)
k) Use bag of prune chips

PRUNE CHIPS!

You find the most shuriken-like chip in the bag and throw it at Sigmund. It slices into Sigmund's neck. Sigmund swings his scythe and hits both the floor and the ceiling simultaneously, somehow.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Flirt
e) Use Acid Spit
f) Use key
g) Use pee-scented racquetball
h) Use the cursed -7 helmet of Okawaru's Regard {Stlth-}
i) Use Terence's pants
j) Use wand of enslavement (17)
k) Use bag of prune chips

Is sigmund going to be the first killer of this new better dccs? That would be quite appropriate

Anyway I'd use j) if I knew the chance of success. Someone should push a patch for this.
So g)

You skewer the pee-scented racquetball on the end of Sigmund's scythe. Sigmund swings his scythe and hits the wall, but the racquetball makes it bounce off. Sigmund falls unconscious, having suffocated under Ijyb's pants.
DEFEATED SIGMUND
LEVEL UP
HP UP
PP UP

a) Go through north door
b) Return to GNOME SHOP room
c) Take all of Sigmund's stuff
d) Use bag of prune chips

I'm boring, c)

You take Sigmund's robe.
You take Ijyb's pants.
You take Sigmund's scythe.
You take the July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies".

a) Go through north door
b) Return to GNOME SHOP room
c) Wield Sigmund's scythe
d) Use bag of prune chips

b, and see if any of our stuff is worth much gold to the gnome

You return to the GNOME SHOP room. "WELCOME TO GNOME SHOP, TRAVELER!!!" screams the gnome, his face covered in scratch marks. You ask him how much gold your bag of prune chips is worth, but he mishears you and thinks you asked to buy a MAP. The gnome kicks you in the genitals. (-5 GP) The gnome hands you the MAP.

a) Go through north door
b) Go through west door
c) Go through south door
d) Go to specific room
e) Use key on treasure chest
f) Buy FLASK OF GNOME JUICE (5 GP)
g) Buy FALCHION (10 GP)
h) Wield Sigmund's scythe
i) Use wand of enslavement (17)
j) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
k) Use bag of prune chips

j), to test my new theory that GP may be infinitely farmable

You open up the July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies". Looks like some of the acid you spat on Sigmund splashed onto it. Some of the pages have holes in them now. "WELCOME TO GNOME SHOP, TRAVELER!!!"

a) Go through north door
b) Go through west door
c) Go through south door
d) Go to specific room
e) Use key on treasure chest
f) Buy FLASK OF GNOME JUICE (5 GP)
g) Buy FALCHION (10 GP)
h) Wield Sigmund's scythe
i) Use wand of enslavement (17)
j) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
k) Use bag of prune chips

I hit "o," hoping to autotravel to the nearest unexplored room

wait, what about e) use key on treasure chest?

i) Enslavement, put the targetting reticle over yourself, enter, Y

You put the key into the treasure chest's keyhole. It doesn't fit. But that's okay, because the chest was already unlocked. You open it. It's empty. "DO YOU WANT TO BUY THE TREASURE CHEST, TRAVELER!?!?!? ONLY 5 GP!!!"
You zap yourself with the wand of enslavement. Your brain enters infinite recursion, but you recover from the resulting stack overflow error and return to normal.
You go through the door to the north. This room appears to be completely empty except for a door on the west wall and a doorbell next to it.

a) Ring doorbell
b) Doorbell ditch
c) Break down west door
d) Go through south door
e) Go to specific room
f) Use key on west door
g) Wield Sigmund's scythe
h) Use wand of enslavement (16)
i) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
j) Use bag of prune chips

G then c

I'm not sure what b) is supposed to mean, so let's do that.

oh, oh, we should definitely doorbell ditch. Leave Ijyb's pants on the doorstep.

Sorry, first post gets priority if actions are mutually exclusive.

You smash your shoulder into the door, but it doesn't budge. You hear the sounds of someone angrily getting out of bed. You smash your head into the door, but it still doesn't budge. You hear the sounds of someone angrily getting dressed. You smash your bung into the door, but it doesn't budge. Duvessa opens the door. "I TOLD YOU THAT IF YOU TRIED TO SELL ME THAT FALCHION AGAIN I WOULD CUT YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT AND---oh, sorry, I was expecting someone else. Um. Can I help you? Wait, why do you smell like piss and terrible alcohol? Are you homeless? ...I guess if you need a place to stay, you could stay in my bedroom for a while..." Duvessa leans on the door frame and twirls her hair with one of her fingers.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Flirt
e) Accept offer
f) Use Acid Spit
g) Use key
h) Use Ijyb's pants
i) Use Terence's pants
j) Use wand of enslavement (16)
k) Use July 2011 issue of "Hot Fairies"
l) Use bag of prune chips
m) Use Sigmund's scythe