The Tavern

d

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You pet Natasha. Natasha purrs.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Pet
e) Use item

Use wolf treats.

You grab a handful of severed fingers and pet Natasha with them. Natasha purrs.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Pet
e) Use item

e) use cheese

You pet Natasha with the Jarlsberg. Natasha purrs. The Jarlsberg has cat hair in it now.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Pet
e) Use item

e) use zphone

As you prepare to dial a number in the zPhone, it starts ringing. You answer it and hear Duvessa's voice. "Hey, sorry it took so long to call back. What's up, Menkaure?"

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Pet
e) Prank call
f) Flirt
g) Hang up
h) Use item

e

letters

You ask Duvessa if her refrigerator is running. She hangs up.
Natasha rubs against your legs.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Pet
e) Use item

e) use empty chip bag

You stuff Natasha into the empty chip bag. She doesn't seem to mind.
You recover your HP and PP. Natasha falls asleep in the bag.

a) Go through east door
b) Use shower
c) Use item

a) Go through east door

You pick up the hairball and return to the sewage-filled room.

a) Go through north door
b) Go through east door
c) Go through south door
d) Go through west door
e) Use toilet
f) Use item

e) use the toilet. The orb must be down there somewhere, we'd better have another look.

You're obviously not a golfer.

You try to flush the toilet. The toilet is inactive and can no longer be used.
Natasha pokes her head out of the bag and meows.

a) Go through north door
b) Go through east door
c) Go through south door
d) Go through west door
e) Use item

b) Go through east door

You proceed to the next room. This room is mostly empty except for a small homemade cannon, a set of wind chimes hanging from the ceiling, and Joseph. There's another door to the east. Joseph loads his sling!

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use homemade cannon
e) Use item

e) use Natasha's hairball

You grease the barrel of the cannon by rubbing Natasha's hairball on it.
Joseph shoots a sling bullet. It hits you in the ankle. (-4 HP)

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use homemade cannon
e) Use item

d).

You pour some Thunderdog into the cannon, then detach the racquetball from Sigmund's scythe and load it into the barrel. You breathe a small amount of fire onto the fuse. The racquetball shoots out of the cannon, strikes the wind chimes, bounces off, and hits Joseph in the penis. Joseph dies.
Natasha is startled by the combined noises of cannon fire, wind chimes, and Joseph. She jumps out of the bag and bolts through the west door.
The racquetball runs out of charges and crumbles to dust. All of Joseph's stuff also crumbles to dust, because he's boring. The cannon is nailed to the floor. The wind chimes are also nailed to the ceiling.
DEFEATED JOSEPH
LEVEL UP
HP UP
PP UP
GP UP

a) Go through east door
b) Go through west door
c) Use item

a) Go through east door

Natasha noooooooo

You restore your resources at the fountain. You go through the east door and find yourself in the final basement. This room has a staircase going up. Pikel is duct-taped to the wall.
BOSS BATTLE

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item

Attack!!!

You walk over and snap Pikel's neck.
You would take the duct tape, but it's duct-taped to the wall.
DEFEATED PIKEL

a) Go through west door
b) Go up stairs
c) Use item

b) Go up stairs

You go up the stairs. You find yourself in another fully furnished bedroom. Nergalle and Sonja are making out on the bed, but they stop when they notice you. Nergalle and Sonja attack!

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item

d wand of enslavement

You zap the wand of enslavement. The bed is charmed.
Nergalle raises her hand to summon spectral orcs, but stops suddenly when she remembers how many spectral orcs hold regressive views on same-sex relationships.
Sonja takes her blowgun from behind her ear and blows a curare-tipped needle at you. It hits you in the knee. Your knee is having difficulty breathing. (-5 HP)

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item

Wonder where the "flirt" option went, then b: parry.

I have standards. I'm not going to let you hit on people that are especially boring, incapacitated, or are clearly already in the middle of foreplay with someone else. I'm especially not going to let you hit on a cat.

You raise your flail, hoping to parry a nonexistent melee attack using a ball on a chain. Somehow.
Nergalle casts Haste Other. Sonja seems to speed up.
Sonja shoots a curare-tipped needle. The needle hits you in the armpit. Your armpit is having difficulty breathing. (-5 HP)
Sonja realizes she's out of curare-tipped needles and starts digging around in her leotard, trying to find more.
You suddenly notice that there's a door out of the room to the east.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item

But Tohno Shiki says cats are fine too and I take all my love advice from incestuous vampire-murdering bestiality fanatics

d).

If there were ever a situation to use the scorched pornographic playing cards, clearly this is it.

You draw a card. It's the queen of spades. The picture on it is too scorched to make out. You throw it like a boomerang and hit Sonja in the shoulder.
Sonja gives up looking for needles and wields a dagger of distortion.
Nergalle casts Bolt of Draining. The bolt of draining misses you.
Sonja stabs you in the kidneys. Your kidneys blink and switch places. (-2 HP)
Sonja cuts off a piece of your forearm. The piece of your forearm is banished to the Abyss. (-5 HP)
Sonja misses you.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item

Attack but with sigmunds scythe because flails suck.

You wield Sigmund's scythe.
Nergalle casts Bolt of Draining. The bolt of draining hits you! You are drained. (-3 HP, -1 GP)
Sonja stabs you in the butt. Space bends around your butt. (-5 HP)
Sonja misses you.
Sonja misses you.
You swing your scythe. You knock over the lamp on one of the nightstands. It falls to the floor and shatters.
Sonja stabs you in the bladder. A bunch of your PP blinks into your HP bar. (-15 PP, +15 HP)
Sonja steps on some lamp shards and cries in pain.
Nergalle is frightened by the sudden noises and casts Death's Door.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item

d) use wand of enslavement

You zap the wand of enslavement. The bed seems even more charmed.
Sonja hides behind Nergalle and starts picking lamp shards out of her foot.
Nergalle punches you in the stomach. (-3 HP)
You detach the word "bladder" from Maurice's cloak. It's not clear how it got there in the first place.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item

D. Use hairball

You stick Natasha's hairball over one of your wounds, like a really gross and unsanitary bandage. (+8 HP)
Sonja continues picking lamp shards out of her foot.
Nergalle punches you in the ear. (-3 HP)

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item

This is terrible. Can we just go back to when nergalle and sonja were making out and skip a few turns reading the chat?

c) Faint in the bed.

You pretend not to swing your scythe. Then you actually do swing your scythe. It hits Nergalle in the lungs. But since she's invincible, she doesn't really care.
Nergalle casts Bolt of Draining. The bolt of draining hits you! You feel drained. (-5 HP)
Sonja grabs a bottle of pills off one of the nightstands and swallows like 20 of them.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item

teleport away and reset the fight because monster ddoor is dumb

d) use hairy brick of Jarlsberg cheese

You deploy the Jarlsberg cheese.
Nergalle stops fighting for a moment and asks "Wha...why did you just gently set a piece of cheese on the ground? And why does it have hair on it?"
Sonja looks at the pill bottle again, then frowns and pulls a phone out of a hidden pocket in her tutu. Menkaure's zPhone starts ringing.

a) Attack
b) Parry
c) Feint
d) Use item
e) Answer phone

e).